Why Are We So Afraid of Change?

By Helen Patterson

Change is one of the few things in life we can most definitely count on. Yet, it also remains one of the most feared, misunderstood, and resisted experiences we encounter. Whether it’s a career pivot, a relationship shift, a personal transformation, or even a change in daily routine, something in us tightens. We brace, start hesitating and second-guessing what brought us here, outside of our cozy comfort zones.

But I’ve been really asking myself: why? Why is it that something so inevitable feels so threatening?

This month at Life Works Well, we’re leaning into the theme of change, not just in the practical sense of transitions or new beginnings, but in the emotional, mental, and cultural layers that come with it. And at the root of all of this is one central question: what is it about change that makes us so uncomfortable?

The Evolutionary Story: Change as a Threat

Let’s begin at the beginning (literally).

From an evolutionary standpoint, our fear of change is not irrational. In fact, it was vital to our survival. The unfamiliar meant danger. New environments meant new predators, unpredictable weather, loss of community. Our ancestors learned to associate the unknown with risk, and that pattern lives deep in our nervous systems to this day.

When we experience change, whether it’s moving cities, changing jobs, or even having a difficult conversation, our body often interprets it as a threat. Our heart rates rise, muscles tighten, breath shortens. It doesn’t matter if the change is exciting or even chosen, our physiological response is often the same: brace for major impact.

I do believe this is incredibly important to name because it reminds us that fear of change isn’t a personal weakness, it’s an ancient mechanism wired into us. 

The real problem isn’t that we fear change, but that no one taught us how to befriend it.

The Social Layer: Fear of Being Seen Differently

Beyond biology, there’s another powerful force that shapes our relationship with change: society.

We live in a world that values consistency. The image of someone with a “stable career,” a “clear five-year plan,” or a “coherent personal brand” is still held up as the gold standard. To change (our minds, our direction, our values) can be perceived as flaky, unreliable, or even threatening.

This fear of social disapproval runs deep, and we are all victims of it. To change course in a conformist culture often invites questions, doubts, even subtle, or not-so-subtle, shaming.

• “Why would you leave a good job?”

• “You’re doing what now?”

• “You used to believe the opposite.”

In these moments, we’re not just facing our own uncertainty, but we’re suddenly carrying the weight of other people’s expectations. We risk being misunderstood, mislabelled, or what the mind perceives as the ultimate threat: excluded. In many professional and cultural settings, there is an unspoken pressure to stay the same, even when we’ve outgrown that version of ourselves.

So, we stay, we delay, and we shrink. Not because we’re not ready to change, but because we’re too afraid of what that change will cost us in belonging. 

The Psychological Layer: Loss of Identity

Change doesn’t just threaten our safety or our social standing. It often shakes the foundation of our identity.

Whether we realise it or not, most of us are attached to certain roles or labels—"the reliable one," "the expert," "the people pleaser," "the achiever." These identities give us a sense of control, recognition, and structure. Maybe even purpose. When change calls those roles into question, it can feel like we’re being asked to let go of a part of ourselves.

In fact (quick addendum), I am always amazed at how people introduce themselves in new social settings. It’s the same dance all over again: your name, where you're from, and what you do. That triptych is the way through which we are constantly perceived, and perceiving. If this is the way we keep interacting with each other, if we keep equating who we are with what we do, then it goes without saying that our relationship to change can only be one of enmity. 

Actually, even positive change can bring grief. Leaving a role, ending a relationship, or stepping into a new version of yourself often requires mourning the person you used to be.

And grief, by nature, is messy. It doesn’t move on a schedule, and is not always clear-cut. But what it teaches us (if we let it) is that identity isn’t meant to be fixed, it’s meant to evolve. And every time we release an old identity, we make space for something more authentic to emerge.

So, What Now? Learning to Accept Change

If change triggers our survival instincts, puts our social belonging at risk, and disrupts our sense of self… What can we possibly do to welcome it with grace?

Here are a few invitations I’ve been working with, personally and professionally:

1. Notice the Body First

As strange as it sounds, your body often knows you’re afraid before your mind does. That moment of tension in your shoulders, the knot in your stomach, the urge to distract yourself—these are cues.

Try meeting them with curiosity instead of judgment. Ask: What am I afraid will happen here? Often, naming the fear helps soften its grip.

2. Remember That Resistance Is Natural

Change will almost always come with resistance. That doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you’re human.

Give yourself permission to move slowly. To feel conflicted. To take one small step at a time. Growth doesn’t require you to leap. It just asks you not to stay frozen.

3. Expand the Narrative

Try flipping the story: instead of “what if I fail?” ask “what if this change brings me closer to who I really am?”

Reframe change not as a threat, but as an invitation to reimagine your values, your pace, your relationships, and your priorities.

4. Surround Yourself with People Who Make Change Safe

This is a big one. Find the voices and communities that support evolution, that don’t shame you for changing your mind, and that allow you to expand without having to explain yourself.

One of the greatest gifts you can give yourself is to be in spaces where change is not just tolerated, but celebrated.

5. Practice Letting Go

Letting go is a skill. And like any skill, it requires practice.

So try letting go of something small first: a routine that no longer serves you, a commitment that drains you, a belief you’ve outgrown. Notice how it feels, and what comes in to fill the space.

Letting go isn’t about giving up. It’s about giving in to the natural rhythm of becoming.

Final Thoughts: Change Is Not the Enemy

Change doesn’t always come with clarity, and it rarely feels neat. But the longer I live and the more people I work with, the more I see that change, though uncomfortable, is also sacred.

It’s the mechanism through which we grow, heal, adapt, and reimagine.

Don’t get me wrong, the fear of change makes perfect sense. But so does the desire to live a fuller, more aligned life. And more often than not, those two things walk hand in hand.

So maybe the goal isn’t to try erasing or fighting against the inevitability of change, but to learn how to walk with it gently, into whatever comes next.